he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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