i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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