sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
