i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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