You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
