are you still at the devil's house?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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