Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize