they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
