if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
porn star boner night. come get it.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me