so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
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You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
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Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈