my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats