the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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