Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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