She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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