I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
