He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
she was so not down for the gang bang
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
