I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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