I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
