If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
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You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
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You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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