One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
