What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
