you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
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My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
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She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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