I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
