I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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