Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
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Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
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Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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