btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
