So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
