Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
