I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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