I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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