he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He? As in you personified your dick?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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