Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
