Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
