Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
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And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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