is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
