3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
