I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
