i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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