Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just found puke in my bra..
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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