You can't special order awesome
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
