when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
