she was so not down for the gang bang
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
