I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
