im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
