I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
