I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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