you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
