If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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