and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
