Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
