Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
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