i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
