you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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