this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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