when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Randomize
