He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
