he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
