this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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