what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
