We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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