obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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