i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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